Advice to Mothers

Is this your first Christmas with a new baby in your family? If it is, you are probably wondering what you are going to do with your normal Christmas plans, and how do you do what you want without offending people. Here are my suggestions - having just done this for the first time with my family.

1. Evaluate: Take a look at what your family used to do, and where they are located. If your family is close, and the only time of year they spend together is at Christmas, you may have no choice but to go along. One change you can make is how much time you have to spend there. We are having dinner served early so that we can be home for our son’s bedtime. Everyone understood, and no one was mad. Simply evalute what usualy goes on, and see what you can do versus what you cannot do. Then see if there are small changes to make sure you can fit everyone in.

2. Start early: The last thing you want to do is announce your plans on the day before Christmas. Start the holiday evaluation early. For some families, who are farther apart, it may mean going to one set of grandparents for Thanksgiving, and the other for Christmas. Sometimes it may mean making everyone come to you - especially if the baby is brand new and you don’t want to travel. I wouldn’t want to put my 2 month old on a plane with all those people. Who would? But your options diminish as the holidays get closer - so make sure to start early.

3. Communicate: Tell everyone your plans. Sometimes this involves painful conversations: I’m sorry we cannot be there this year, but we will be there next year. Grandparents can be very time-consuming and grabby about their grandchildren during the holidays - especially if this is their first grandchild. So you have to talk to everyone and let everyone know what is happening. This might also be a time when other people can help you come up with solutions. So make sure to talk to everyone.

But above all else…. You have a new family. Make sure to take the time for it and do what is right for you. Parents can get worn out - and most new parents are already tired - traveling and visiting. Children don’t necessarily do this any better. After Thanksgiving (during which my son was an angel), he was mean the next day. He wanted mom and dad and to be held. He wanted to cuddle, and sleep on you. He simply wanted our attention after being the center of attention. The overwhelming attention he got was great while he was getting it, but afterwards it wore him out and made him fussy. So make sure to factor in some recovery time for you and your new family member.

Christmas is about family, and now you have a new family. As parents with a new baby, you must take that baby into account. Sick babies are no fun, so don’t take them traveling if you are likely to come into contact with sick people. Make sure your holidays are fun for you and your children. Extended family can always come to you - but be prepared for that. Make sure that you are okay with that option.

As an example: Here’s our “normal” family traditions and what we did to adapt them with our new son.

Our normal traditions: The girls go to the Nutcracker the day before Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas Eve I show up at my grandmother’s at 5am and help her start the food and get everything organized. We move to my Aunt’s house around 9am and start playing games all morning with the cousins, while the Aunts and Grandma cook, and the Uncles watch TV. Then we have a buffet lunch, set the tables, do Christmas carols, eat, white-elephant gifts, and then eat some more. Finally we all go to Midnight Mass. Then on Christmas Day my husband and I open our presents at home, then go to his parent’s house for breakfast. Then open presents there. Then hang out there all day, playing games and reading. Dinner is at his parent’s as well. Then we come home late and go to sleep.

Revised Plan: We go to my grandmother’s once our son is awake, fed and played with. Then I help out there, and we spend some time with my grandmother, mother and sister. Our son will get some presents there. Then he will take a nap (or be walked in his stroller until he takes a nap). Feedings will be interspersed, as will diaper and clothing changes. Our son will also be played with and cuddled. Then in the afternoon - 4pm-ish - we are heading over to my Aunt’s. Dinner is at 5, and we are skipping the family white-elephant and Midnight Mass with the family. Instead, we are coming home so our son can go to bed early. On Christmas morning, we will be at home until at least 10am, then we go to my husband’s parents for breakfast. Then we come back home and hang out for a while, until it is dinner time. At 4pm we go back to their house and eat an early dinner (5 again). Then we will play a game or two and come home in time for our son’s bed time.

No one minds. Everyone has pushed dinner up to 5pm. We simply communicated our plan to everyone early. Then when people asked us to change our plan, we offered alternatives. The cousins are welcome to come up to our house the Saturday before Christmas and play games. But we keep to our schedule so that we have family time at our house, and family time with our families. It helps that my family is 1.5 hours away and his family is 20 minutes away. Otherwise, I am not sure this would be possible. But this is just one example.

Good Luck.

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